I always knew I wanted to have a family. While my friends were talking about what they wanted from their careers and their ambitions, my thoughts were just to have a family and settle down, find someone that didn’t think I was repulsive and could conceive settling down with me and starting a family. I wanted two girls, no more, no less and about three years apart.
Now this all sounds very simple and straight forward. I mean it is, after all, encoded into our DNA to reproduce, our most basic instinct as humans to enable our race to continue. But for me and my mind it was a challenge I didn’t believe I could fulfill.
I have always had a very dim view of myself. As a young child I would look into thee mirror and wonder why I existed, what was I and what was my place in this world. It was like I was looking at an alien, something my mind couldn’t comprehend.
So with this in mind, it might give an insight into why I believed I was unlovable. I now know that this was my Borderline Personality Disorder at work but wouldn’t be given this diagnosis until i was in my late 30’s.
To me it was normal, my thought processes, and even now they are still there a lot of the time. A habit of a lifetime is very difficult to change.
Even though I believed I was unlovable I craved it. I think that is why my desire to start a family was so strong, I sought after that unconditional, non judgemental love that you can only get from a child of your own.
I was fairly late in losing my virginity at 17 and for me it wasn’t somew moment to be cherished or remembered fondly, it was a label I couldn’t wait to get rid of, get it over and done with. My first was a work colleague at my Saturday job behind thee work sheds. This guy wouldn’t be seen dead with me in public and when we were with others he was very dismissive of me bordering on being rude and hurtful.
This was exactly how I had expected it to be, how I expected to be treated. My mind had already told me all this and it does so like to be proved right.
Buy in the back room and our lunch breaks i felt loved and wanted even though I knew it was only because I was easy so from then on I knew the only way I would ever get attention from the opposite sex was by allowing them to use my body, use me for their own sexual pleasures.
So for the next 3 years I had one night stand after one night stand, all drink fuelled and stripping me of any and all self respect leaving only self loathing. Most of them were not even a full night as I couldn’t bare to see the look of disgust showing through their sober eyes.
At 20 I met someone who didn’t just want me for sex and I didn’t believe for a second that I would ever find someone else who thought like that or do any better, but think that will have to be an entry for another day.
If you have read down this far I thank you for sticking around.
Until the next time…..