Appeal date is through…

So i have had my date for my benefit appeal at court. I had a face to face assessment last December and it was quite possibly one of the most horrendous ordeals i have been through on a mental level. The build up to it and the actual interview and then the waiting to hear.

When i did hear it wasn’t good news so we appealed it and asked to see the assessors report which to our shock contained so many mistruths. 

So i am now having to faces the fact that i have to go through it again, this time in front of three people in a court house and already i am coming apart at the seams….

What is BPD?

It is different for everyone but for me it is the constant negative thoughts, doubting myself.

Wondering why I am here, what is the point, so I have a purpose? 

I second guess everything I say and do, over analyse every little detail. I replay conversations in my head for days, weeks, sometimes years on end. What I could have said, should of said. I live in either the past or the distant future, which is why mindfulness is so important for me to practice. 

It is regular suicidal thoughts that come out of no where. I  am having suicidal idealizations. Having suicidal thoughts is not the same as being suicidal I have learnt. It is not, for me, an attention seeking behaviour and I believe it is the same for most with BPD, it is just there, something we learn to live with.

It is not being able to look at a knife, razor or anything sharp without having thoughts of self harm. Remembering how the blade feels against the skin, the release that washes over you as the blood runs free. The external self inflicted torture temporarily blocking out the internal torment of the mind and soul. It doesn’t last long, the relief, so like an addict, thoughts turn to more self I destructive behaviour.

It is the sheer worthlessness felt right at the core of your being , that no one could or would ever want, need or like you. After all who could love a monster?

It is pushing everyone away before they can leave, everyone leaves eventually.

It is telling yourself that they are better off without you and totally a and utterly believing it with every cell in your body, so you sabotage relationships. You will tell them that they don’t need you, you will bring them down and fill them with nothing but darkness. They will get dragged in, like in a wormhole in space that devours everything that is good and pure. It puts out the light so all is left is the blackest, deepest void where once a light radiated brightly

It is waking up everyday not knowing what your emotions will be like as they change as quickly as seconds. Hoping that today you will be numb as feeling anything is too much to bare. Feeling like if anny one talks to you or you speak it will be like you are having a white hot blade stabbing and coursing through your flesh to your core, so you cut yourself off from the world, shut yourself in your own mind where you feel safe. Bit the reality is that your mind is anything but safe. It is your own worst enemy and the last place you should be.
But there is a beautiful side to being a borderline.

It teaches you empathy and compassion for others. You see the world through damaged eyes and see how others are suffering and want to help, seeing them in pain as you are is too much to take on. It can make you loyal as no one should feel abandoned. You trust few, but those few you trust with your darkest thoughts, would walk through the fires of hell for them and treasure them forever. We I nderstaand the dark side of people like no other does as we walk hand in hand with the darkness daily.

As long as this post is (sorry!) I don’t feel I have even scratched the surface of what Borderline Personality Disorder is about or how it affects those we love and how it affects us on a day to day basis.

It sounds easy, just live life day to day but if you have BPD, it becomes an almost impossible task to undertake.

Addiction…

Now i always think addiction is a sticky subject, it comes with many preconceived stigmas, an addict is a bad person, they lie, steal, cheat and are generally considered the lowest of the low.

But I do not think that is always the case as there are so many things and substances we as humans can be addicted to.

The most common I suppose is drugs a and alcohol but what about all the other things? Sex, shopping, prescription medication, exercise, caffeine, gambling, tobacco, nicotine…the list can go on. A lot of people I believe have an addiction to something.

I have a very addictive personality, one of my many BPD traits so I am able to regulate myself after years of self destruction. I now know that I can’t buy just the odd scratch card, I can’t have a bottle of spirits in the house and not drink some of it everyday, just to get me through. I use these things like a crutch to help keep me stable but it has the opposite effect. Yes temporarily I am on top of the world but it doesn’t last so i look for the next buzz very quickly.

Prescription meds are my favourite especially co-codamol, it gives me a buzz that I need and calms me down, the only thing that works better for me is cannabis but that is not easy to get so can’t rely on that.

Now having said all this if I don’t have any of these things I still cope. I do not become aggressive or show signs of withdrawal, I function exactly the same so does this still make me an addict.

I believe the definition of an addict is someone who cannot function normally without whatever they are addicted too but I can therefore do I class myself as an addict if it makes my life easier with these substances? 

It is not something I want to label myself with mainly because of the stigma attached and what it implys but is that me just in denial???

  

Voices

When you hear people talk about voices, voices that they hear most people have preconceived ideas that normally involve insanity and psychopaths. That has always been my thoughts, that is until mine started to come forward more.

I realise now that it has always been there I just haven’t always realised that is what it was. Maybe some would call it your inner voice which I thought was what it was but this voice is male which I have always found strange that as a female my inner voice is male.

The last few years since my diagnosis of BPD I have been more aware as I have learnt more about the symptoms and what BPD entails and have realised that this might not be my inner voice after all.

I see him very clearly in my minds eye now. He is dressed similar to a circus ringmaster, top hat, red coat, black trousers, white shirt and knee length black boots. He has shoulder length black hair and a moustache. He mostly scowls or has a menacing grin and never has anything nice to say. He is the constant that feeds my negative thoughts even on good days I can feel him there, in the background, waiting, watching. I can hear his breathing as if he is next to me, just waiting for his opportunity to pounce, to prey on my weaknesses. 

He makes me feel like a little girl again, he knows what to say and how to say it…

You are worthless. No one wants to be around you, why would they, what do you possibly have to offer or say that would be of any use to anyone. You should never have been a mother, you will screw up their lives just like you screw up everyone’s. Look at you, you are disgusting and fat and ugly no one will find you attractive. People only talk to you because they feel sorry for you, they pity you. No one will miss you if you are not here, in fact their lives will be better without you destroying them like you destroy everything.

But as negative as he is I am not sure I would be complete without him…and that is the most screwed up part of all.

Who am I?

I awoke today feeling numb which is quite normal after a bad day and it usually lasts a day or two but three hours into my day and that familiar restlessness is creeping up on me. 

I have always questioned who I am, what is my purpose, why am I here, but never had any answers, just more questions. Is this a normal thought process? I want to feel comfortable in my own skin but have always felt out of place, not belonging to any group or situation.

Recently I have found some sort of belonging while following a spiritual path. I don’t want to say wicca or pagan or witch as none seem to really fit and I am not so actively practising, getting there slowly. Admitting to myself and those close to me that this is the path I am on was incredibly hard as I always fear judgement.

Finding time to practise is hard or is it more i avoid finding time as I am afraid of failure?? 

I joined groups on Facebook and participated in group events that you offered or received readings and other forms of divination. At first I was petrified, what if I was called a fraud? Or worse discovered I had no talent or gifts in this area. As it turned out all the readings I did all had positive feedback and I enjoyed it, felt like I had a calling, a purpose. But like all things in my life it didn’t last, I soon stopped doing readings and the emptiness returned. I am determined to get back into it again, if I can give my good old friend procrastination the heave ho! 

So in reality I am no closer to figuring out who I am but might have found a purpose, besides being a mother. As crap as I believe I am as a mother I know that that is what I am meant to be in this world, but it isn’t quite enough, for me, personally. I feel there is more to me and this life, a higher calling I just don’t know how or where to find it, so my journey continues…

Urgh….

You know your day and mood is bad when you can’t even come up with a post title. Today i have been in a real funk but as per usual have no idea why or what has triggered it.

I feel really distant from everyone around me and just can’t be arsed to interact or anything. At the same time I feel restless like I should be doing something (yes I know there is always the housework to do!!) Something that feels important but not.

I have had a killer headache all day and lack of sleep isn’t helping, nor is the state of the house…..but not enough to make me do it. Right now breathing is an effort,

I have a few suspicions as to what might be the trigger. I am feeling an argument imminent with my partner, we argue a few times a year but when we do it is like an atom bomb going off and he can say the vilest things. So feeling a bit like I am walking on eggshells at the moment which I know only makes it worse as i become distant and withdrawn leading to said argument.

AARRGGGHHH…..I really despise being a borderline at times, feeling everything and nothing all at once, I mean how is that even possible?!?!

My other thinking on a trigger is that i received a letter in the post from DWP regarding my appeal to the courts basically saying they oppose my appeal and want it thrown out. Now i have spoken to some people in a support group who have all said this is normal DWP response but my god it has hit me hard as has the reality of having to go to a tribunal, feeling like I am on trial. The assessment itself and the few weeks before was hell on earth and not sure I can go through it again especially after reading the assessors report from my face to face interview. It was torture but u barely remember a thing that happened, it is a blur with a few snippits of clarity.

So with my head hurting, feeling like it might explode, wondering if tomorrow i will wake feeling better or worse I am very glad it is soon bedtime for the kids and some peace for me although peace is the last thing I am feeling…

 

#bpd #borderline #depression #blackdog

Got to start somewhere….

I always knew I wanted to have a family. While my friends were talking about what they wanted from their careers and their ambitions, my thoughts were just to have a family and settle down, find someone that didn’t think I was repulsive and could conceive settling down with me and starting a family. I wanted two girls, no more, no less and about three years apart.

Now this all sounds very simple and straight forward. I mean it is, after all, encoded into our DNA to reproduce, our most basic instinct as humans to enable our race to continue. But for me and my mind it was a challenge I didn’t believe I could fulfill.

I have always had a very dim view of myself. As a young child I would look into thee mirror and wonder why I existed, what was I and what was my place in this world. It was like I was looking at an alien, something my mind couldn’t comprehend.

So with this in mind, it might give an insight into why I believed I was unlovable. I now know that this was my Borderline Personality Disorder at work but wouldn’t be given this diagnosis until i was in my late 30’s.

To me it was normal, my thought processes, and even now they are still there a lot of the time. A habit of a lifetime is very difficult to change.

Even though I believed I was unlovable I craved it. I think that is why my desire to start a family was so strong, I sought after that unconditional, non judgemental love that you can only get from a child of your own.

I was fairly late in losing my virginity at 17 and for me it wasn’t somew moment to be cherished or remembered fondly, it was a label I couldn’t wait to get rid of, get it over and done with. My first was a work colleague at my Saturday job behind thee work sheds. This guy wouldn’t be seen dead with me in public and when we were with others he was very dismissive of me bordering on being rude and hurtful.

This was exactly how I had expected it to be, how I expected to be treated. My mind had already  told me all this and it does so like to be proved right.

Buy in the back room and our lunch breaks i felt loved and wanted even though I knew it was only because I was easy so from then on I knew the only way I would ever get attention from the opposite sex was by allowing them to use my body, use me for their own sexual pleasures.

So for the next 3 years I had one night stand after one night stand, all drink fuelled and stripping me of any and all self respect leaving only self loathing. Most of them were not even a full night as I couldn’t bare to see the look of disgust showing through their sober eyes.

At 20 I met someone who didn’t just want me for sex and I didn’t believe for a second that I would ever find someone else who thought like that or do any better, but think that will have to be an entry for another day.
If you have read down this far I thank you for sticking around.

Until the next time…..